A Sailor's Monologue

FADE IN

EXT. BOAT, NORTHERN SEA - DAY

 

A sailor rests on the edge of his skiff at sunset, his fishing rod in hand, waiting for his first catch of the day. He scratches his scraggly beard every so often and repositions his hat to cover his balding scalp, annoyed and full of angst at not pulling any fish.

Finally, he lets loose.

SAILOR

Blister through the blackened sea, upon which I wait for my catch. Here not be dragons but mermaids, with their slippery and slimy tails, wrapping and wringing around my bait, thieving my bait.

My bait! By the Kraken’s shiny pecker, leave me be and let me see through the day whence I wish for my catch. But nay, you pinch it from me hook and drag me down to the scalloped locker of Jones himself, wallowing in yer grub, and yer innumerable tentacles piercing every hole it pleases.

Yet, you do not do this on your lonesome, for you’re overseen from the heavens, so curse ye devils floating like angels in the sky. Damn ye! Zeus and his many minions of malice be laughing at this occurrence of bewitchery, with strings on yer Leviathan puppet, like a hungry swab dog drooling at every little disturbance in the waters.

No innocent souls can escape ye, be that it? This be a conquest to see who’s fishing rod is bigger? Hearken to me Poseidon, ye tentacle sucking slapper, hide one fish from me and I’ll take a thousand more. For what can a fish do but face the hook in the hopes that Neptune himself will save him. Hell’s gates be opened now.

God of waters and salt strike the bugger down with yer fury and rage then blacken your soul yer scurvy pile of crap. Oh, let me dream of Betsy’s tig ol’ bitties, smothering my face in her bosom of succour. The storm of death abates, no waves can wash away yer deceit, so away with ye now, ye arse.

Sirens ring through my ears, calling me to the ocean, swallow me up and burst me or allow me to float aloof, send yer commands to yer pets to forget me or eat me, but in the name of your incestuous dynasty -

(...)

Actually now I think about it I don’t recall putting any bait on my hook.